5 years later

5 years later
09/01/2016


It's weird to put the title on this post. It feels like there had been some sort of hibernation or that of a total disconnection to life. That wasn't really the case of course. Instead it was more of undergoing a process of renovation, of breaking down and building up.
In my 25 years of existence, I thought I had my life planned out. I will graduate college by 21, get myself employed immediately (a day after my graduation in fact) and be a useful citizen of this country. The social goal was to not add up to the burden that my mother land was enduring, to not be another mouth to feed by my "Average in economic status" family and to set a good example to my cousins who looks up to me and I love dearly.
I then thought of stepping it up by being a woman of science, a doctor. So I went to med school only to be met by financial constraints and seeing that that did not go with the plan of not being a burden, I dropped med school. I promised myself that when I am able I will go back, it was my way of proving to myself I did it and that I wasn't a failure. 

A year later my father died.

My father's death was my ultimate awakening. I started recognizing the inner screams I have in my soul. What matters most to me is my family, they are the reason I wanted to be someone of value. When I was a child I said i'd like to be a doctor so I can cure the sick, but if I really listened to the scream, it was because I wanted to be able to do something should anything happen to my family. On my father's death, I held on to his hand, the screams in my soul louder than I ever heard it, the truth was forced on me that I could not do anything to stop it.Even if I was a doctor back then, there was nothing I could do. I dropped Med School completely.

It took a while to pick myself up. It's not that there wasn't any direction where to go, it's just that I could envision  the pointing arrows and contemplate if it was worth following it. I must admit, I did pretty good for a lost child. I did not do anything stupid. I was just there, like an observer of the world I feel I did not belong to. The sea was my comfort and I settled myself in the familiar grounds, I did not welcome any change. I was content with the familiarity of my home, my friends and my solace.
Until something unplanned happened, something that turned my world upside down. Completely unexpected as there were no arrows or warnings that I would go that path at that point of my life
.I gave birth to my daughter.
All of a sudden my world changed, and I'm not saying this to romanticize the event. I was forced to confront my fears, I wasn't ready but I wasn't backing down either. It was just not in my imprint to back down, but the whole thing took over my life I was left speechless.
At this point, I speak up, 5 years later and coming out as someone new, even to me. I am, for the first time in my life, a stranger to myself. So I take baby steps while my daughter takes her own, almost as if I was reborn with her. I took my milestone after milestone until I  developed a different understanding of the world. Learning to understand words and its meaning in a different perspective. I have a brighter sunshine in me than I ever had before along with a whole new darkness. 
I finally understood and that was when I let go of the control and learned to just flow.
It wasn't easy, it still isn't, but the 5 years that had passed gave me more than the 25 years before it. 
I no longer walk my path alone for there is another soul about to discover life and I am her chosen guide. 
30 years before and onwards.